


14th, April, 2020

by varls



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Other, This is a personal diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:42:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23653285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varls/pseuds/varls
Summary: My first post on AO3 has nothing to do with any fandom.
Relationships: Me/Academic Work
Kudos: 2





	14th, April, 2020

I am writing weird shit and I love it.

I have been living in a completely alien country alone for more than half a year. What have I learnt?

A lot, most positive. How would I evaluate my experience? It's hard to say. My inside feedback is quite, mixed.

Now I am studying in a department which I had not expected, I thought it would be unsatisfying, but you know what, it turns out to be meaningful. You know it is actually luxurious to have this period of time in you life where you have to do nothing but to think and do your own intellectual investigation. When I wandered in the ancient library, in this ancient, beautiful small European town, thinking about the most orthodoxical questions in human civilization in my head, and suddenly running into an ancient, beautiful cathedral. It has been, marvellous. Although I had spent four years in this domain before I came here, I should say that I have never been this closed to the "origin" of what I had learnt.

It feels like that God wants to give me a break, to give me a vacation, just to be with him. I still keep the oath it in my mind that I made at the beginning of this year. I will not be failed.

I do not think I am the first person on AO3 to publish some diaries. I used to write it all down on a notebook but now I do not have that much time.

I do not know if I have finished my phase of self-exploration. Maybe I will never finish it as long as I am alive. As I grow I have learnt that sometimes you do not need need the question to be answered right after you raised it. I have to learn to take it easy, take it slow and go with the flow. Who knows? I am now trying to let it go, not always striving to taking everything in control, but to focus at the present, making the best use of my time and doing the best that I can do. Sometimes when I look back into the track I have been to in my life, I find it hard to say whether I have wasted it, abused it, enjoyed it or made the best use of it. It is true that I was, am and probably will be keeping thinking all the time, but what if I had stopped those thinking and had devoted all my energies in actually doing things?

But my past has made me who I am today right?

Do I like the current me?

Well, I will not say that I am the most lovable person in my own mind, I am definitely not. But I can say that at least I do not hate myself in any single way, which is a big improvement compared to the teenager me.

I have tried a lot in my life. The phase of discovering is over, I am now looking for an anchor. The good thing is, I seem to have found the right career for myself.

I will come back tomorrow.


End file.
